OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
