my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
did i walk over a car last night?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
