so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
