Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
