The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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