Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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