Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
