What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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