I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
i believe in u and ur pee
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
