I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Randomize
