I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
