yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
