I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
