please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
