the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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