i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Of course I have a pirate flag
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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