I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Found the puke drawer
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
