do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
