If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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