Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
