Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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