Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
