Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
