Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
not ubering you a puppy
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
