he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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