i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
