I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
