I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
