Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
