I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
