I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
