we have pet lesbian snakes
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
