I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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