im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
