I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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