the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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