SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
