Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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