alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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