I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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