youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
