booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
