my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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