ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
