I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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