everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
