I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
