explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize