what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Randomize
