I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
