I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
