I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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