i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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