U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Come on in and take your pants off
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