Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
