i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
