Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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