then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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