im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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