she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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